This week’s topic at Weight Watcher’s was Summer and how to be successful. Because we all know how stressful getting into those itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny polka dot bikinis can be. I’m so over it. I’m just not feeling it this week. I just want to put my feet up and take a break from wellness. I’m just well, not feeling well. I don’t want to think about what I should or shouldn’t eat, I don’t want to think about what I should or shouldn’t look like.
Speaking of which, I was waiting on something at my son’s school’s office the other day when I caught a glimpse on the security camera of this wide, chubby middle-aged woman who looked like my mother. Eerie – of course, it was me. Whatever. I’ve got other problems.
Like, don’t you hate when you are trying to help someone and then they place blame on you and act like you are the idiot. Yeah, I don’t like it either. It happens all the time. I like helping others, I do. I don’t ask for any reward or recognition. I choose to live in the shadows.
Like the Batman. Maybe I need a secret identity. Oh, wait – that’s what this blog is all about, isn’t it? I guess. Yeah, sure. It’s my alter ego. Doesn’t feel so super. I gotta work on that. I’ve got the dark and brooding down pat, the other stuff – not so much.
So, like I said you are helping someone with a problem and then all of a sudden the problem is you. This really gets my goat. Then I explode. My bad. I do. I literally blow my top and have steam coming out of my ears. I never learned to temper my rage.
That is problem #2. I am aggressive rather than assertive. I do not know how to assert myself. Years ago, I even took classes to learn how to be assertive. All to no avail. Now, I don’t trust myself. I know that I react rather than respond to situations. I know I have a long fuse, but a mean temper. So I avoid conflict. I walk away or I just don’t try.
I think I’ve walked too far over the edge however. The five years that I have been living here, I have stayed mostly in the shadows. I take care of the house, run errands, grocery shop, cook meals, do laundry, chauffeur my son around, read, write and blog. I haven’t really connected to anything here. I don’t feel a connection to anything and it’s the first time in my 40-some-odd years of life that I feel lonely, but it has helped me be more creative. Is it time I push myself off the ledge? Or do I delve deeper?
I know I have a tendency to withdraw from society. I’m quite happy going weeks without saying boo to anyone. I’m terrible at contacting people via telephone or arranging meetups. I avoid running into anyone in the street and making small talk. I know this isn’t good so usually I push myself to make an effort. You could call it depression, mild, the doctors said. I’m not sure about that. I do have a positive attitude, even if I feel like I fail at everything I try. I really try.
excuse me, someone needs my help. I said no, but they just keep asking. Hold on…
ok, I’m back. Where was I? oh yeah, anxiety. I think I have it.
I’ve decided that I am not going to wait on anyone or blame anyone for my feelings. I am just going to change some small things on my own. I am going to push myself to do more, for myself and by myself. I’m going to go a bit easier on myself. Whatever.
I’ll get to it tomorrow.
all gifs from reactiongifs.com