All through grade school I was told I had no willpower. I always felt bad about that. I tried to change. I still try. I have to get over that shit.
As I write this post, I’m sitting here digging into a bag of donettes. I don’t usually go for that kind of stuff, but they were leftover, no one has touched them since Saturday and I was feeling a hankering for something other than food. Do you ever get like that?
I don’t know why I get like that.
I had a sensible lunch – rice with broiled chicken, mushrooms and onions, carrot, club soda. I went to pick my son up from school and came home 2 hours later and I wasn’t feeling hungry. Then I sat down to write this post. I read an article by Nia Shanks about The Ugly Side of Health and Fitness. I thought about how I never stick to anything long enough to be that obsessed over it. Then my ADDled brain thought about the donettes. They were only nine feet away.
I looked over this week’s newsletter from weight watchers to get a better idea about what I would write about. This week’s topic is Let It Go! How to handle emotions that can trigger the urge to eat. I really am glad this topic came up. I am an emotional eater. When I am stressed: I eat.
I walked the nine feet and picked up the donettes and walked back to the computer.
I eat when I am bored. I eat when I am stressed or feel powerless. I eat when I am celebrating any little happiness. Eating makes me happy. I eat. Basically, If I am not sleeping, than I am eating. You’d think I’d be obese, but I’m just a bit overweight.
Why did I eat those donuts just now while reading about non-food fixes? I don’t know. At that particular moment I wasn’t feeling stress or anxiety, or hunger, or boredom. I wasn’t rushed as I usually am (and will be soon if I don’t get to my point and finish my post).
The point? I don’t have one. I am truly baffled. I have been noticing that when I am blogging – I seem to want to snack. When I am thinking through my thoughts and making connections and putting pieces together – I want to eat.
I always thought I used food as comfort. I figured this stemmed from my mom always giving me a snicker bar or yodel to apologize to me for some crazy thing or another. This is why I find food soothing. And I am Italian so so many holidays, celebrations and Sundays focused around the table and food.
But now? Why do I want to snack while thinking, writing, editing: blogging? I remember late night cramming in college with 40s and an extra-large bag of white cheddar popcorn. I just thought that was because I was too poor to afford dinner. Did I create a habit? How can I break it? I need to change my routine.
Will I have the will power to do it?
Or just let it go…