Winter hasn’t been so bad here. It’s been a rollercoaster of temperatures from 20-60 plus degrees. I just never know what to wear. There’s been a lot of rain and many cloudy days. Better than snow. Now, the weather report predicts a snowstorm heading our way this weekend. I’m going to have to run out and get snowboots for my son. I could use some too. I have the biggest problem with cold hands and cold feet.
No matter the weather: the winter doldrums have set in. I can’t sleep at night, I can’t wake up in the morning. I am lethargic, my appetite is heavy and my interests have plummeted.
My husband thinks if I had a job I’d feel better. Perhaps. I should. I would. I don’t know. I know I don’t want to go back to teaching. Yet, my kid is nine. I need to find my way. I fill my days with reading, writing challenges, errands and blogging.
I am conflicted. I am confused. Why am I blogging? I’m not an expert, heck, I don’t even follow my own advice most of the time. I’m not a cook, just someone who loves to eat. Too much.
What I am doing is trying to find my way. I have tried so many diets, I have hated myself and held myself down for too long. Sometimes I feel like a fraud. They say fake it till you make it, but I can’t even do that. There are so many things I want to do, I want to say. I map out the goals, I make the plan, I set the intention. I fail to act.
At this stage in my life, I just want to throw up my hands and say I am what I am.
I am getting there, but there are setbacks. I’m embracing the concept of Wabi Sabi.
It is so hard to keep my addled ADHD brain on track sometimes. Inside me is that ten-year old girl writing “I will practice self-control” over and over and crumbling the paper in frustration and starting all over again.
Let it go. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
Let it be.
Maybe I need to up my Vitamin D or at least remember to take it more consistently, or get a sunlamp.
Or move to a warmer climate.
Petra tou Romiou or Aphrodite’s Rock at Paphos, Cyprus. The birthplace of Aphrodite.
The sunlamp it is.